Fungible Dirigible

2003-08-11T18:03:00.000-04:00

I know that I keep revisiting this issue, but I think I am finally coming to terms with it. I was raised to be contemptuous of the average, the commonplace, the ordinary. I needed to expect more and strive to be more than just a survivor, but now I realize that this egotism was out of perspective. Copland wrote the Fanfare for the common Man for a reason, and all the artists I respect created their works for everyone to enjoy. All of the millions of everyday people, going to work as shopkeepers, clerks, laborers, tradesmen, etc., they are the bastion of civilization, that is ordinary life. They have families and they had dreams, maybe they didn't get the training, the breaks to make a career as a writer, a musician, an actor or skater. Maybe when they come home, they pull out the guitar, take a deep breath, set finger to string and out comes Bach. Or Greensleeves. Or Smoke on the Water. For a moment, they are a star, they touch the transcendant mystery beyond language.
It's not as easy as it seems to be a waiter, to hang a door correctly, to prepare a really good meal or teach other people's spoiled kids all day. It is an achievement to just 'make it', especially in this day and age. Its not wrong to strive, to have ambitions, but I cannot lose sight of what it means to be just happy to be alive. It is an achievement to be a good husband, a good father, a good employee. There is no shame in it. The extraordinary is the extraordinary for a reason, if everyone could run a sub-5 minute mile, the record would be 2:10. In our media saturated-age, its common to see advertisements for luxury vehicles with payments larger than my combined car payment, rent and food expenses. This is making it? This is a good deal for me?

So what if someone never climbed Everest, or had a hit record. Sometimes, I have done extraordinary things in the past and it hasn't made much of a difference. I still fear my government, still feel I could've done more, still feel that powerless emptiness in the face of unnamed, half-imagined fear, the unknown machinations at work around me in their backroom dealings. Here's to the everyday person, the neighbor, the daughter, the father. Here is appreciation of the employee, the friend just doing their job and looking for enjoyment in their spare time, who pays taxes and votes and mows their lawn. It's out of line, that old 60's attitude of contemt for Pleasant Valley and its tract-house suburban sameness. This is the background, the fabric of the world and society.

2003-08-11T11:38:00.000-04:00

Fucking it just lost my goddam post. If I wanted to delete, I can do that without logging in or signing up or registering. Oh, well, can't expect much for free. Now I have to cut and paste until it works. Thought they had fixed it.

2003-08-08T17:07:00.000-04:00

Yikes....
Oh. OK.

2003-07-25T15:48:00.000-04:00

Well, I thought I'd go back and read some of previous posts objectively, wondering if they seem utterly insane or threatening. Wondering if they seem like someone who would climb the Texas Tower and start smoking folks. Honestly, to review myself, it doesn't seem that way in retrospect. If anything, maybe some of them are too sane. Any sniping looks like it would be done safely within the proper areas, and my (jargon here) schema seems congruent with my perception, for the most part. Still, it would be good for me to do hypergnostics ASAP. It's all good.

2003-06-27T22:26:00.000-04:00

Information in the form of ideas are the force that drives the evolution of human consciousness. Ideas cannot be jailed, tortured or killed. Once out in the public realm, they can spread like a virus or like fire, and cannot be stopped or recalled. If people choose to preserve ideas and to act on them, to stand up for what they believe and do the hard thing, the right thing, then this is the Revolution, the only one there is.

2003-06-17T18:18:00.000-04:00

I just read this fucking outrageous insanity here: Roe V Wade and I had to write something down quick before I forgot it. This is an insight which has not been given near enough thought or attention, and that is basically to look at RVW on a strictly legal basis, examining the consequences of each argument. In seeking to have her verdict overturned, McCorvey seems to be saying that women are 1) not capable of making their own reproductive choices and need the law to circumscribe their decisions. And 2) that criminalizing abortion will solve the problem. The ideal solution is to have the State not having any role at all in the decision to reproduce or not. This is not a realm in which the State should have one iota of say-so whatsoever. To have laws regarding abortion means that the State has defacto legal control over the uterus, and that a woman's own body is not her property. This opens the door to the legal status of chattel or slavery, where a woman is basically denied full control of her body and what happens to it. This is undoubtedly the same legal status as the slaves had, where the Master of the plantation had say-so, de facto legal control over the bodies of the slaves that belonged to them. I am really shocked that people don't see how, when abortion is criminalized, that when women are deprived of ANYTHING that they can do to their own body, they are no longer the full owners of their own physical bodies. Why is this not obvious to anyone but me? Why aren't all women across this country rising up in arms over this- if this outrageous overreaching of the Feds doesn't start driving people to the voting booth, the shooting range, the computer and the printing presses, absolutely nothing will. Mc Corvey, in saying she was wrong, is basically saying that she is not responsible for her own body and needs certain actions barred from her legal purview. As if the threat of criminal sanction is enough to prevent unplanned pregnancy. Shit.

2003-05-21T14:57:00.000-04:00

I need to think about how I want my life to look if everything was exactly right, more or less. If everything was exactly perfect. I will do myself a service by being precise and clear about that as an end goal, then I think that level of clarity will allow me to move forward, inexorably in that direction. The idea i am playing with right now, the common element, the baseline is this: All survival-type of bills (rent/mortgage, food, health ins., transportation) are all paid for by investment income such as interest, renting space, capital gain, etc. I dream of waking up in the morning and being able to do as I please, when I please. To not leave the house if I don't want to. To not have to come to work if I don't want to. I am not talking about the lap of luxury either. The idea is to be able to survive no matter what happens job-wise, to have food and shelter regardless of what someone else thinks of my performance, etc. To not have to answer to anyone. My cousin put this eloquently as "Fuck-You Money". Part of the solution is to baseline these survival costs and say- 1000 per month will do it, or 500/month will do it. Maybe 200 a month and living in the car will do it. Perhaps 500 a month interest income and 500/month part time job plus student insurance, NOW I am thinking in the right direction.

2003-05-20T16:44:00.000-04:00

I think that Olney is going to work out. There is only one fly in the ointment, and it is handle-able. **Deep Breath** **Sigh** Piano is going well, I picked up a new student. If I had 10 more, I'd be able to do it full-time. Provided nobody ever cancelled. I'm getting there in my playing also, I think in another year or two, I might be decent.

I am in the market for a cheap, fixer-upper house too. I am going to live in one room and rent out another. Right now, I am investigating a listing I saw for 7900. I think it was a typo. Usually people pay in the entirety in cash for these and apparently they go fast. Mobile home is right out, ground rent is out also. More later on that.

2003-05-12T17:38:00.000-04:00

I think it is time for me to experiment with an undirected consciousness, free and clear of past and future. Free and clear of large goals, quests, striving, ego-related identity questions. Just the present moment is all there is. Nothing has to be, nothing is lacking, nothing to change. No enemy, no threat and above all, no conditioning. If I see this as a stage in my development, does it mean that I have shaken all of my conditioning? Or have I merely gotten enough success to be comfortable with myself, or not feel too underachieving. I should just say fuck it and smoke a bowl. This could be, other than my work obligations, a lengthy vacation perhaps..... I guess I just have enough obligation right now, and I don't want to feel like i hafta this or hafta that or gotta be better, gotta be enlightened, wealthy, skinny, getting plenty nooky. Gotta save the world, drive a nice car, crush the Bilderbergers. And I gotta have good hair while I am doing that, or points off or something. I am determined to work hard at letting all that shit just go. I've been working hard at it, a slave to that deranged mentality for 30 years, I think I deserve a vacation from whatever it is I think I'm supposed to be. I am sick to death of needing and wanting to be better, of chasing and attaining goals when all they seem to get me is just broke. I am declaring my freedom to not live up to anything, I am declaring my freedom that the only thing I have to do is live and die, not only that, but try to enjoy my life as best I can.

2003-05-09T15:54:00.000-04:00

I don't like it down here.

"Kinda like cloud, I was up
Way up in the sky,
And i was feeling some feelings you wouldn't believe
Just then a little tiny dot caught my eye
I watched it way too long
It was pulling me down-

I was up above it-!
NOW I"M DOWN IN IT"

----------Trent Reznor, Nine inch nails
"Down in it" from Pretty Hate Machine

2003-04-30T18:01:00.000-04:00

My worse case scenario is that Olney doesn't work out. I am moving out on my own anyway. If worse comes to worst, I can still eat without having to beg, because I have my church job. I can still pay for a gym membership if I hang on to Playtime. However, that will have a limited timeframe, maybe another year or two. I'll check with Ed and see if they can rent me space, and I can buy a little electric piano.
Laundry can be done at the little laundromat near one of my students. Clothes can go in a steamer trunk, in my trunk. I don't need an alarm clock, because all the work is in the evenings. I need a bivy sack and some mosquito netting. Boy I hope Olney works out, becuase if it doesn't, there will be a rough row to hoe. Work is not so bad, maybe I am giving up on it too soon. I don't trust them, but on the other hand, I don't really care either. Fuck it.

2003-04-09T17:24:00.000-04:00

Everything really sucks and I don't care anymore. Blogs are waste of time. I have no patience left for anything, I am tired of trying. all my effort is wasted. Fuck everything, I think I am about to give up altogether on just about everything.

2003-03-14T16:48:00.000-05:00

As far as this blog goes, I need to either get hosting and do up a site for real, or get out of it. Its got be done right or not at all. Unfortunately, I have limited time and serious plans, so this may be it for my Internet Diarism, as decent as I felt it was. Lately I have been preoccupied with what I have found here: Its a bit hair-raising and motivating. That' s all I got time for today.

2003-03-11T20:47:00.000-05:00

Things are not really looking good at all right now. I am becoming less and less able to deal with the general crappiness of the world. I am just running out of patience, and I think that I will reach a point where I will isolate myself from the world and have very minimal contact with it. My main objective right now is to put together enough money to be able to basically just shut myself away. I think that by the time I reach that goal, I will not be able to take the outside world at all. I am not sure where this is coming from, but I feel an immense anger toward the world, God, people, and toward life in general. All I seem to see lately is violence, bestial stupidity, a complete absence of any value system and the continued concentration of wealth, power and knowledge into fewer and fewer hands. It is becoming easier and easier to give up on people. Trent Reznor should be scared of me at this point.

The only shred of hope is my music. Listening to WBJC reminds me that there were masters once, the greats who left us a priceless legacy of inspired music. There was a short story about some passing alien spacecraft that picked up a broadcast of a Hitler speech. The alien reached for the ship's weapons to obliterate the earth, then the craft picked up another frequency, Beethovens 9th was playing. Slowly, the alien released his grip on the weapon, granting clemency.

2003-02-18T10:29:00.000-05:00

Still snowed in here, no plows even on the main road of the subdivision. I think they are running into problems because of the massive drifts. Obviously, if they just plowed straight through, drifts on the side of the road could be like 10 feet high. My shoveling is like a feeble, tiny human cry against the overwhelming tide of nature. Chocolate supplies here in the house are beginning to run low, those folks that stocked up are looking smarter now. I'm getting a lot of practice time in, but I cannot get to my students. It's interesting how a major weather event like this just dominates everything else, in its disruption of life, creating the desire to move to Florida. I found that silly site on the internet, homestarrunner.com. Its hysterical. Thats it, in all its disjointed glory.

2003-02-16T09:43:00.000-05:00

It seems too easy to be focused so intensely on a distant goal or project in the works that present life disappears. I cannot allow this to happen, what is going on right here and right now deserves attention and committment just as much as the long-term stuff in progress. It may be considered that life is what is going on here and now, and building toward the future, working on goals, that is ancillary to daily routines. This daily routine, the solving of little problems, earning a living and going from place to place, these things have virtue and value in and of themselves, they constitute the human condition. Although it doesn't need glorification, the interwoven threads of thousands of people going through their day seen in its totality has a certain beauty and grandeur, like a huge mural or tapestry. I am thinking of the films Koyannisquatsi and Powwaquatsi. It's all good, even though I am snowed in.

2003-02-10T09:08:00.000-05:00

Yeh, a friend of mine was actually decrying the current 'bling-bling' focus of rap music, but I had to stop and think about that for a while. Granted that conspicuous consumption for its own sake and for status is shallow and stupid, true, but the people who seem to have no use for money generally don't have any. Having money buys time, it buys freedom, it solves a lot of problems that are by nature, less than the big questions. You cannot address the big questions or develop completely as an artist without funding. If you are preoccupied with bills, there is no way to focus on advancing human knowledge, saving the world, writing the next great symphony or American Novel. As for me, I am thinking of a time when I was about 7, splashing happily in the neighborhood pool. I would go underwater and look up through it at the sun and sky, which had become a hazy luminescence, blurry and diffuse, swimming without boundary. I could not see where water left off and air began in that waviness. I knew nothing of war, nothing of sex, girls were odd, silly and slightly repulsive at the time. I knew only the security of the suburban enclave, no drugs, no news, the only thing to worry about was the odd homework assignment, class and chores. There was the odd bully here and there, but they did not belong to my pool. I loved the pool, it was my second home.

2003-01-31T08:23:00.000-05:00

I may have used up the last bit of my luck, the job I was hoping for came through. I have another chance to get it together, not in the sense of 'getting with the program' as recent popular authors would have it, but a chance to solve the problems that money solves. I can take care of a number of things now and get some breathing room, a chance to sit back on a vacation and assess whats going on. The second major goal is to get a newer car and pay it off quickly, that will help things enormously once thats taken care of. Of course the emergency fund, and I can take advantage of low stock prices to beef up the old portfolio. There is hope I may just make it.

2003-01-30T08:25:00.000-05:00

Rondellus, they do Black Sabbath covers with medieval instruments, the best thing I've heard since I don't know. Sung in Latin.

Even Rondellus is not enough to keep me from an acute disappointment with myself, disgust with the world and impatience with everything lately. I am trying to not withdraw completely into my navel, as safe and warm as it is in there. I am almost convinced that I am missing nothing by doing so. I feel very distant from everything, and very little has any shred of meaning left. Each day seems a parade of mindless idiocy mitigated only by NPR. I don't know how to fix it, and I am lost wandering around in the desert. Maybe its just an existential moment of wrestling with the void and losing.

2003-01-29T11:19:00.000-05:00

It is too tempting to just drop nearly everything and focus on making money, but I am not going to head down that path. I will resist the false idea of security that it seems to represent, and maintain my present course. Although several part-time jobs are stressful and present logistical as well as financial challenges, I must maintain and keep those employers as disposable as I am. I have learned by experience not to trust any of them, not even my church job. I am on the verge of resolving a financial problem, that could happen before May and will give me more flexibility and more ability to contribute to our household. Things are looking up, if I get the Mclean job, that will put me in the clear and enable me to resolve my car issue. Once that is taken care of, I can address the health insurance issue and look at going back to the gym. I might just make it yet. Gotta nail that audition, time to practice more.

2003-01-28T08:38:00.000-05:00

I think, mostly by luck and persistence, I may be on the verge of teaching music full-time. I think at worst I can pick up a few more students down in Mclean and that just might do it. If I had about 10 more students, that would be my threshold. Of course, I would have a bit less time to practice, but I could live with it. The dream I have had and pursued since 1988 is just about within reach. I'll pick up a few more years of experience, maybe a diploma from somewhere, and then hang out my own shingle. Shweet!

Isn't that more exciting than reading about someone's K-16 classes, what they ate, what boybands they like and what they did with their friends? Sorry, was that out loud? I guess I am really glad that Blogs did not have significant public existence when I was in school, cause what I would've written would've been the same painfully boring, banal dreck I see in 90% of the Blogs out there. I must remaind myself- existence is not justified, it just is or isn't.

2003-01-25T20:46:00.000-05:00

Super Bowl...so what. I stopped caring about that stuff when I started dating. Gotta teach tomorrow, its been nothing but carrot so far, now here comes a bit of the stick. I couldn't even imagine trying to make it in this world on just a GED. They can keep working as laborers. They can wash dishes or work security. They are not smart enough to do computers and they struggle too much with the simplest things. It'll take several months for them to get computer literate. I am light-years beyond them and I still have to struggle a lot in the real world, and any ill-considered decisions have severe financial consequences for me. I have no idea how they are going to make it. Three of my friends have made it without degrees, but it took a long time and they are very, very smart. One of them is a symphonist. I don't think the military even takes the GED anymore, you need a diploma. Speaking of the military, that may be where I am headed if things don't start looking up. Shit, I don't even want to think about it. I am so stressed right now, especially with car repairs &c. Shit. A music store in **** is hiring for days, teaching, I'll check it out.

2003-01-24T08:04:00.000-05:00

"Without music, life would be a mistake."
------------------Nietzsche

Actually, I've never read Nietzsche, I don't think I'm even spelling it right. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but I am still sure that I would do well on Jeopardy and hopefully earn back some ill-spent tuition money. I think I will need to send out some resumes. I'm getting interviews, but it still grows tiresome, especially because I love what I am doing now. My buddy D. got a great job working tech for a pro sports team, I am really excited for him. Over the past several years he has worked very hard and learned an enormous amount in a very short time. Its motivating and encouraging to see someone getting results for their work, it makes me realize that its possible for hard work to pay off. Definitely not guaranteed, though. What is guaranteed is that not working will not yield results either, it seems that the work just improves the odds a bit.

I think I am one of very few Bloggers who is not a teenage high-school student or undergrad, maybe this is telling me something about how I am using my time and deserves serious consideration. Well, at least I am not arguing with idiots on newsgroups.

2003-01-23T08:20:00.000-05:00

Read something cool on Yahoo about Christo's latest art project. I consider him a serious artist, and his large scale installations are challenging and help me to see things in a new and different way. He is kind of a one-note Johnny, but I still wish I had seen his 'umbrellas' piece. His latest extravaganza may be worth a road trip to New York, 7500 cloth gates each 16 feet high set up in central park. Remarkable. Expanding my conciousness proceeds. I used to have a Euphemism that meant either to have sex or to get stoned, I called it 'Expanding your cultural Horizons'. In those days it wasn't quite as dangerous.

Oh well. Today is looking like a practice day and tomorrow is off. Hopefully I will get a phone call today returning me to full-time work. I dread that I will discover that I was more successful living the way I do now, but I'll take that chance. I need to get rid of that seeking feeling, that no matter what theres always something else out there that is better that I am missing out on. As a musician, I know this is not the case. These days I feel the urge to learn the Beethoven Song Cycle 'An de ferne geliebte', and that urge gets stronger day by day. Wouldn't life be boring if it was free of problems and desire. (Tauha)

2003-01-22T10:35:00.000-05:00

Although there is a lot about life that I enjoy, that old feeling of fatigue is coming back. It seems mostly that awareness is a real burden to me, something to be endured, and I think that feeling would disappear if I knew how it came to be in the first place. I have always been somewhat troubled, plagued by problems and low-grade mental illness, like I slog through some Karmic sludge thats about ankle deep. I need to take a big old shovel and somehow clear it away. There is hope, but I have come to realize that the world is not a nice place, filled with wonder and joy, children playing and birds twittering, happy folks going about their day like one of the Richard Scarry books I grew up with. The country I thought I lived in doesn't really exist except on paper. Human life is somewhat fungible and our culture celebrates destruction, pollution and glorifies idiocy. On the other hand, children do play and birds do twitter, but the kids look over their shoulder suspiciously at wooly trenchcoated old men and the birds are disfigured by cancerous growths. It is an odd mix of noise and rage, beauty and war, art and crime, sin and transcendance blended in a heady mixture like Extra Spicy Thai food. This Bardo like waystation, this school, this Interzone of commerce, India, a realm of spiritual attainment mixed with child slavery and poverty, chanting the many names of God underscored with the Lake-Erie like filth of the Ganges. What is a post-dream lost boy to do? I think I have been watching too much CSI and SVU. Yargh.

2003-01-22T08:52:00.000-05:00

Was thinking yesterday that time is running somewhat short, I may be due for some responsibility and sacrifice just to shake things up a bit and end this sort of kidult limbo I find myself in. It may be time to turn the clock back to 1997, when I was a hardworkin homeowning car note payin bourgeois, yet my singing was still a little bit alive. Then the business put me under, I mostly think at this point I should've gone with Ryan, but then again his company is on verge of Ch 11 or 20, so I would've been right back where I started, right in the current situation. Well, no use chewing over the past, time to move on to something new. Got an interview today with ARS, doing HVAC. Gawd help me, I will have a shirt with my name on it. Well, it won't be long before that changes too, but the thing about jobs is that they give you the money you need to change or upgrade them if that becomes necessary. It'll be good to learn something new and practical, and focus on straightening out the finances. I think I will still be able to keep the inner child alive.

2003-01-21T08:53:00.000-05:00

I found a hysterical entry on TMCM about Christian porn. Seems to be plenty money to be made there, might make good wedding gifts I suppose. Rehearsal went great yeaterday with the flautist I am accompanying, and my sight reading is getting quite good. I think in another year or two, I might be able to play fairly well. Either way, it is good to have the acc. experience, it is quite challenging. When I have my repertoire up to speed, I could become very respectable in the piano community. Kind of scary that I might debut as pianist before vocals, my talent on piano is about 10% that of my voice. This business works in bizarre ways.

2003-01-20T09:47:00.000-05:00

Found an exchristian blog today, excellent, it is good to see that more folks have broken their conditioning and been able to move into honest and authentic lives. Although I am sure that it is possible to move through doubt and questioning and return to belief, this I have seen only as an extreme rarity, and most believers seem to have a need to convert others because it validates them. I am pleased at having broken through to the point of not caring what other people think anymore, which is really liberating. The scariest part was realizing that it doesn't really much matter what most people think, and at this point I consider that even the people who are very high-achieving and successful, their opinions don't mean much anymore either, because I see their conditioning too. My main focus right now is spending maximum time doing what I love, and I feel really lucky to be in that position. There are a few people that I care about what they think, blessedly few, maybe 5 or 6 tops. Its easy to keep track of that way and keep in perspective. I see a light at the end of the tunnel, a new level of freedom and agility, a way to be that combines experience and the open, non-judgement of a martial artist or child. Things are going well.

2003-01-19T20:24:00.000-05:00

The endless quest for achievement and entertainment is conditioned. In spite of this, its not a bad idea, but I am going to find a better way to live. I will be happy to be alive and utterly free of anything remotely like responsibility. I'm just letting it go. I'm just letting go of nearly everything. One of only 3 things are problematic right now, and that is that I still can 't play worth a damn. Of course, I am much better than I was a year ago, but if I had put as much time in on a comparatively easy instrument like clarinet, I'd be ready for the farking philharmonic by now. Back to the Sonatinas I go. So what if its supposedly 'easier' I think I like the Rach 2 better than the 3. Cheers & mad kitty love to all.

2003-01-17T08:31:00.000-05:00

I generally spend an hour or two online in the morning, mostly for Blogger, also to work on my Novel. Some things I find on the net are truly helpful, especially when I find someone's Blog who has had a rough life. I look at it and think, My God, I have lived like royalty in my life by comparison. What have I got to complain about, this person has real problems, and i mean fairly serious bad cards to play. I am almost ashamed to say I got great cards and did not play them well. I have merely failed at a higher level, but it makes me think that if someone else had my cards, they might've made it to where I wanted to be, to the Met already, or full-time in music some other way. I have had some successes, and i live pretty well right now, but I've always striven for more, all that practice, all those auditions, gigs and workshops, Westminster. At least I've stopped thinking it was a waste, and I've managed to invest a lot of time and effort into my new instrument. I just cannot not do it, the music is too much a part of me, now the piano has a grip on me. (And no, I only saw Shine once) Now I just need to not overpractice and hurt my hands. Now, instead of singing at the Met, I will be a great piano teacher who writes a bit on the side. It is not easy to be a great piano teacher, there is a lot of competition and it will be just as much work as if I kept trying for the Met. (Sigh)

2003-01-16T08:53:00.000-05:00

Since becoming a cat owner, I am really astounded at the effects it has had on me. Maybe I am just a great big wussy, but the cats have made me very softhearted, I am supposing this may be good if handled correctly. They have become like surrogate children to me, and I spoil them relentlessly with play and treats, attention. A lot of whats on TV I cannot take anymore, even the goofy commercial with the kitty running into the sliding glass door. I was first a Dog person, and I have owned birds too, so it may seem odd that I have become a cat person. Dog people may think I have gone over to the dark side. They are so cool, I cannot wait to come home to them, especially when I am driving home after lessons. The magical powers of kitties.

2003-01-15T19:05:00.000-05:00

Kewlness, I think I will be able to win the race between my finances and my car's descent into the grave. A few Our House Checks, a couple more church checks and I think I'll be about there. Got an interview tomorrow at Olney Theatre, it should be great. The job doesn't pay much, but it is arts admin, so more money for art related things. If I get it, I will be FULLY EMPLOYED in either art related or teaching related things and still in the private sector. UNH! Who da man up in heah?

Can't count my chickens before they hatch, Mr. S. may hate my guts. I got everything crossed at this point, I'm even going to cut my hair for this one. And shave. And wear the entire suit with leather overcoat. Should I do it, I will immediately implement my plan for financial independence, I am going to be able to live off of the evening jobs and invest the entirety of my day job proceeds less car payment. House contributions will increase slightly, but I figure I buy back 1 week for each month less interest, my goal is to save a whopping 25% of my month total income. I'll beef up the V.U.L. a little, open a Roth with an index fund behind that, and park the rest in Money Market as an emergency fund (minimum 6K). I'll have to max the Roth, then burp out the V.U.L., then its hello uncle Sam less capital losses. I'll need additional professional help from the accountant at that time, I'll hopefully fire up the C.R. trust at that point. I'm sure I'll figure it out.

2003-01-14T08:33:00.000-05:00

Further adventures...In the process of researching my book, I found an amazing video series, piano for life. Truly amazing, I am showing the video to all my students, even one who quit, plus buying several copies and one for my Dad. It makes me feel better about not making through the Conservatory, and basically exposes those folks for the Charlatans they are. It's all about the chords. I am so glad I found this thing before I finished my book, otherwise, I'dve had to rewrite completely. Thanks to my joss for that one. (Readers: joss is a combination of God, luck, fate and the Devil. I think it is Japanese. )

Our House seemed to work out. The first day was rough, but not disastrous. I think I can get most of them on track and tested within a year timeframe or so. They actually seem to do very well when worked with one-on-one. In about 6 months, I think I will have mastered this position well, enough to do it effectively anywhere with anyone.
I also applied for full time work as an HVAC guy. The great thing about jobhunting when you have work is that you can afford not to really care about the results. The problem is that it can affect the application process, so I have to be careful not to let the process devolve to an excercise in egotism. It is nice though, to be able to set terms and say, this is my minimum salary, overtime is right out unless at double time, etc.
In other news, finances are looking up. I seem to have put enough together for a decent down payment, and I am really close to straightening out other finance issues, and that will help tremendously. I may even be able to maintain the status quo a bit longer. Its nice to be current on the bills. More to come.

2003-01-09T09:28:00.000-05:00

Kinda worried about working temp, even temp to perm. It feels too much like I have made exactly zero progress since graduating from college, though I have more tech skills, make more money, type faster and play the corporate game better. I hope thats not all thats different, and my first dream is in stasis. Having other means of income helps a bit, I am not quite the same wage-slave I was. Still leaves me cold, but I could use the money. I'll get there a little early, leaving at 5 on the dot no matter what, I know better than to invest in it. Once returning to work full-time, I will not be distracted but will focus on my goal of financial independence, this is the ability to pay rent/mortgage, food, health insurance and incidentals on interest income, IAW bills are paid whether I have a job or not. I figure it will take roughly 10 years. I will be counting down here, by percentage rather than specific $.

I need to blow off some steam about Our House. First reports from Patty are not encouraging. I think I am going to be in a situation where these kids don't even know that they don't know. I hate to do this, but I am going to have to go in hard. Although I do get paid to be there, it is only a pittance and I will not waste even those two hours. I will be straight up honest with them, coming from outside it is looking pretty grim that they struggle with things that your average middle schooler has mastered. High School is easy, and with rare exceptions, those that struggled with it are more closer to rating my pity than my time. College was slightly tougher, the real world exponentially harder than that. If H.S. was a problem, that will be the least of their problems when it comes to building a future. I smell hard work coming, they will get their money's worth out of me.

2003-01-08T09:08:00.000-05:00

Got an interview today at 1, the interview yesterday went great and I emailed a resume out to someone that I think found me on the Hotjobs. Money Karma really gets to be irritating. I am excited about the yesterday job, because it is ten minutes from the house. I could bike it in 30 minutes, and if worst came to worst, there are two of my jobs I can get to without having a car. I expect to hear from them by Friday, I may start Monday. Not a ton of money, but it could lead to bigger and better things. I like the thought of being less dependent on the oil business. Now I just need a bike. The wheel turns again, time for the top. This time I will prepare for the next turn down and save like crazy. If I am back on track, I should be financially independent about 2014 or so, about 10 years later than I expected, but que sera. Thats a good goal to have, I am sure everything will look different then.

2003-01-07T10:08:00.000-05:00

Today marks a new low in American Politics, but I construe it as a warning signal. Our erstwhile president baldfacedly on National News Media, I heard it on the radio today said "It is not the purpose of this administration to regulate the economy." Yet, his actions blatantly speak otherwise, embodied in his economic stimulus package (Also known as 'My plan to make my rich buddies even richer.'). This Reaganesque exercise in deficit spending is obviously payback for an obviously bought election. When do we give up the fight, and say that the power peoples desire for planetary destruction is too great, that their appetite for destruction overwhelms our desire for peace, freedom and clean air. We have reached a point where we of intelligence must completely ignore anything coming from the mouth of power and focus entirely on the action, because they are certain that no consequences will come from their doing EXACTLY the OPPOSITE of what they are saying. The village idiot strikes again. I'm not sure how President Gore would've handled 9/11, but I do know that the man can speak a coherent sentence. All i can say is that when I get myself paid, heads are going to roll, I guarantee it.

2003-01-06T13:09:00.000-05:00

Yeh mon, the day off went well, it was still fairly productive, got lots of practice in. Got two interviews lined up this week and hopefully more to come. I am actually looking forward to full-time work, I need to resolve some money issues that cause stress while they are going on. Won't have a lot of sleep, cause all evenings are booked except Friday and Saturday night. Wednesday, Saturday Monday and Tuesday will be the practice evenings. Got out of last Saturdays lesson in time to hear Dialogues oF the Carmelites final scene from the Met broadcast. The nuns march to the guillotine singing, their intense hymnody interrupted but not halted by the WWWSSSHUNK! of the blade coming down. Gradually, there is only one voice left, then the blade comes down, a brief orchestral period to the cadence, then silence. Its just killer. The live production is difficult to sit through. Poulenc rules, I need to get a copy of that thing on DVD. Kimmy was so intense as Blanche DLF, she would flinch every time the blade came down. Definitely makes me think about the big issues.

2003-01-03T09:12:00.000-05:00

Progress report- my book on teaching piano is about 1/6 done and I am shooting for a summer release! It'll be nice to be on the shelf, and fulfill some of my vaunted potential. It is a significant milestone to get published, even if what you publish is bad, because as a writer, you have met the test of whether or not you are serious. For those incredibly gifted and brilliant writers who are not published, if you are that incredibly gifted, you should be smart enough to find out what you need to do differently to get on the shelf. You should be smart enough to do research and find out how to approach an agent. Enough said about that.
A 'vacation' day stretches out before me, I have a few precious hours to do as I please, most of my obligations are fulfilled. Looks like I will practice from about 9:30 till about noon, then I have a single short errand to run, then total freedom for the remainder of the day. What to do? Work on the novel, take a walk, organize some papers maybe. Clean up the house a bit. Even doing all I can think of that I would remotely have to do, this takes me only until about 2:00, maybe 3:00 PM MAX. How interesting, how peculiar, how challenging and dangerous....

2003-01-02T09:31:00.000-05:00

What is my idea of perfection, utopia, the perfect life, my dream? IAW, what do I want to be different about my life than what it is now? I realized that after I stopped singing, I have no idea. I'd like to have enough money to be able to survive off the interest income, but that is a ways off. Its also a secondary objective. I had an idea of sequestering myself away from the world like a monk, a musical hermit, and I would spend my days writing and practicing, doing t'ai ch'i and Arica. Is that my ideal? It seems disengaged and incomplete. To be married and living the middle-class suburban lifestyle? It gets more respectable by the day and is not much different than the way I live now. To fight the good fight, go to law school, run for office? I dunno, doesn't excite me. I still do the things I would do without being a hermit, I just multitask more. Music is there, the writing is going well, I just could use some more cash, save up more and have a better car, thats all that needs to be different. Am I close to my ideal life already? I really have little to complain about if I ignore the Global perspective and stay local. With Our House starting up, I make enough to be a professional student, I might just go that route. It seems like paradise now, those delicious undergrad days. All the jobs I have now I like, and I know I will like Our House. There are tradeoffs, but... the sense of possibility and infinite potential that characterized my undergrad days is gone, replaced by struggle, failure and complete unproductivity. As an undergrad, you can trade on potential because you are 'in training' and not fully realized yet. In the real world, you need to produce and you can't run your mouth. People aren't interested in labor pains, they want to see the baby. Yet, there is a lot of creative product out there, does the world really need another novel, another symphony, another poem, another folksinger? It wouldn't hurt, but isn't it a little like fiddling while Rome burns? Yet again, does the world want to be saved and is it saveable? Is that a thankless job? All the problems we've had throughout human history are still with us in one form or another and may always be. Anyway, I cannot be distracted, I must stay the course.

2003-01-01T12:47:00.000-05:00

Man, that Laura Bush opening the Rose Bowl parade...if we are to have a Republican New Year, it will be filled with loss of privacy, loss of civil rights, plenty of war profiteering and environmental destruction, not to mention landmines and global warming. No wonder they lost the election, and have to break the rules in order to win. I need to spend more time at the range.

It has occurred to me that, being in a Post-Dream stage of life, I have complete and total freedom. No kids, no mortgage, no car-note. The system has not gotten me, and I didn't get too fat either! Lots of options are open to me, and I am positive that all I need to do is focus and finish the little projects I have going right now and get my financial house in order. If I just put my nose to the grindstone and crank, I may be able to be financially independent in about 10 years or so. The one thing I have to do differently is to keep following through on my ideas and see them to completion. I know the dayjob will never do it by itself, so I need to keep going with my extracurricular activities. Once the money is there, then I can start focusing on larger issues, like my earlier idea of redirecting money away from the Feds and unplugging the more undesirable aspects of the system. Within the next few years, I will need to avoid the complacency of the middle-class bourgeoisie and renew my committment to serious, large-scale boat rocking.

2002-12-31T23:40:00.000-05:00

When I went outside to get coffee today, I heard an animal or something, crying in the woods. It sounded like a hurt feral kitty. I blundered around in there for about 30 minutes without finding it, and without seeming to get closer to it. When I came back, it was silent, I suppose that nature had taken its course. The more I think about it, the more I think it was a bird. If I had found it, what woud I do? Would I try to capture it and take it to the vet? That wouldn't be free. Call animal control? Maybe. Euthanize it myself? I don't know, but I felt better for trying. It threw off my whole day. I can deal with adults suffering, caused by self and caused by other adults, that I can deal with. I hate the idea of animals and children suffering, that motivates me to act. The mere knowledge of animals suffering put me off of veal, red meat and pork. Maybe it was better that I didn't find it, the way my luck goes, chances would've been high to end up with some injury or expense. I used to take such things in stride, now they really get to me. Shit. I will never shake this rock solid image of the world as one of plentiful, overflowing suffering. I never thought there could be the level of suffering, its all that there seems to be, maxed out on it. I have some serious major issues about this, and I will not tolerate the concept of judgement anymore. I cannot abide the judgement of people, and I feel like a victim myself even as a witness. Its not enough that there is so much real suffering, we go and make up more and call it entertainment. It looks like I am going to have to even eliminate the miniscule bit of TV I watch now.

2002-12-29T20:12:00.000-05:00

These are definitely the lost days. I have a few small projects going and I am pleased about piano, but I still feel 'Outside'. When I was singing and trying to have a career, I felt Inside, like I was involved in something significant that mattered. I was a SINGER. Not only that, an Opera Singer. It was a BFD, and I felt like a BFD. Then when I became techie, I felt BFD about that, likewise WMA. A few years ago, I felt BFD because I was a Martial Artist/Arican. Now, the trick is how to feel the same just from being alive. Authentically and honestly, we should all feel that way because we are alive and kicking, throbbing, breathing, thinking and perceiving individuals involved in the world. I don't feel that way. I know I can, I know that would be more honest than to feel that way just because of something I was involved in, external to myself. OTOH, I can't get all that excited just from being a man, suburbanite middle aged man in a junker car going to teach piano. There's nothing intrinsically wrong with that, but it is not as exciting as being an OPERA SINGER. Wowee. Still, as dishonest as it is, I am Outside, outside of everything. There are some advantages to it, but it will take a while before I can fully understand it. It's not bad, I am not really unhappy, nor am I super happy. I am just 'Outside.'

2002-12-27T18:00:00.000-05:00

Change of subject. I found a book at Borders called BRAWL, which is apparently a history of the UFC, the Ultimate Fighting Championships, which is a contest with only a very few rules and almost unlimited full contact fight, usually televised on pay per view. I think the only rules are no biting, no gouging and no groin shots, I think that is it. You can tap out and there is a referee. It was interesting to read a bit about Ken Shamrock and Royce Gracie and &c. I have seen a little bit of the UFC and it is so, incredibly real. Basically it is wrestling with real punches and kicks allowed. I was trained in Tae Kwon Do by Jeff Smith and Vale Tudo by Arnie Baker, none of which I ever hope to use, nor have I had to. The most interesting thing is that when I am training, I have the slowest fuse, the least temper and I am really happy and easygoing all the time. It is hard to provoke me, and when I spar, it is like play to me, because I feel really secure and confident in my abilities. When I am not training, this is very dangerous. I have little patience and am likely to slam someone in the chops on the least provocation. I have been counseled by Artists whom I respect to study Chin Na, but this art is not a household word. I am, as an adult, vulnerable to serious legal consequences even for just self-defense, so I should avoid conflict if at all possible. If I have another choice, I will generally take it, and I don't feel the need to fight to 'save face'. Before laying the Smackdown on someone, I always picture myself having to explain it to a judge. "He took my parking space" is something that probably won't wash. "There were three of them, and I could not leave" is something that would wash. I wish I had more time to resume my training, Aikido or Tai Chi would seem to be the order of the day, most likely Aikido would be my best bet. It takes a very long time to get to the martial applications of Tai Chi, and I like the defensive aspects of Aikido, in that you are reacting to the energy of your aggressor with an avoidance component. I would be tempted to cross TKD and Aikido, mix in a little Jeet Kune Do for footwork, then empty the cup and learn Tai Chi at that point. At the end of such a journey, I feel confident that I would never have to fight at all,and would be a formidable martial artist indeed. To fight at all is to lose.

2002-12-20T11:43:00.000-05:00

I just thought of a great way to fight the power. As far as charity goes, I have personally been thinking about this the wrong way. If lots and lots of people do this seriously, it may be another way to right-size the government, or at least be a start. Large contributions to charity(ies) of choice = large deductions. Large tax deductions = money coming back and less tax liability. With some finesse, I may be able to keep most of my income out of Uncle Sams coffers, where it goes and does things it should not be doing, and doesn't do things it needs to do. I have a suspicious feeling that there is a lot more to the "war on terror" than meets the eye, and in truth, its all about the Benjamins. The government can only do things when it has money, and although we may not be able to cut it off to the point we want to, we can at least start to stem the tide. We do have power to redirect our money, we do have the power to force the government to tighten its belt. We need to make sure that our charities we give to are tax-deductible, and lets start moving those zeroes. It is true, the government will deficit spend, but we can keep pushing for legislation that will hopefully stop that practice, because that is where we lost control over this thing. Vote with your income folks!!! I feel so much better, this has been a PSA for the revolution.

2002-12-17T14:11:00.000-05:00

In spite of yesterdays misadventures, I was really happy over the weekend. Happier than I have been in a long time. I felt, although the word is a bit archaic and cheapened these days, cherished. Yet, I felt no pressure, no obligations, I felt that nothing was expected of me other than to be myself. Under these circumstances, it was easy to be relaxed, to be myself, to have a good time and share some fun things, those true communications from the deepest self, who was let out to play. Remembering this, it is easy to let go of yesterday's disaster, and take this good time, locking it down tight inside me, on the top shelf of a treasury of good memories, in some vault of the soul near the place of learning to ride a bike for the first time. I feel really motivated today, to work harder and determine what it is I have to say as a musician and as a writer, as a teacher. I feel for once that the masterwork is accessible to me, that it is inside me and I will one day build it. This is a good feeling I need more of.

2002-12-16T13:48:00.000-05:00

OK, hopefully Blogger is working now. I definitely have to Blog this, because it is so typical of how my life works. OK, my appointment to test is at 12, so, I am getting ready to go about 11:00. I am 12 miles away from where I need to be, so I figure an hour is about enough time. All I need is directions, so I go to the desk to pick up my address, where I put it, and it's not there. Now I have to find the address again, I looked it up online. So now I am late, but only a few minutes. I am out the door about quarter after. On my way downtown, I run into 2 broken down cars, an assload of construction and an ambulance in the right lane facing the wrong direction and parked. Now I discover that Mapquests directions are wrong again, as usual. Also, DC likes to have at least 2 streets with the same name, thats always helpful. Finally, I manage to find the station. There is absolutely no available parking. I finally find a parking spot about 4 blocks away. I get there late of course, so I am not admitted to the the test. I inform the guard that their admin didn't tell me that they had no parking, nor did she tell me that they are RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET FROM UNION STATION. Thanks a whole lot, and no, I am not planning to reschedule my test for Saturday. Another 2 hours completely wasted. After the past several years of dealing with things like this that happen to me on a regular basis, I have basically had it. I have no more patience left for dealing with this day to day shit that life throws at me. I am tired, tired, tired of it. I know that I am not the only one, I am just getting to the point where I don't want to deal anymore. I feel like a world class idiot for caring about anything or putting any energy whatsoever into anything. The universe seems designed to take my life, my time, my energy and waste it, giving absolutely nothing in return. I have absolutely zero results for anything I have ever put time and effort into, and it is high time for a different approach. I am willing to take responsibility for the 10% at best that is in my control, only my actions, and that is it. So much of the rest is completely out of my control, I don't want to invest any more effort or energy into anything except maybe one very carefully chosen thing. Everything else can just fall off the Earth. I am going to have to choose very wisely, very carefully what I invest my time and effort into. I am going to have to let go of a lot of crap, a lot of concern is just going to have to go. So be it.

2002-12-13T08:12:00.000-05:00

Taking a road trip today, heading up to NYC. I definitely could use a change of scenery, I will also be attending Electra at the Metropolitan Opera. (Insert big F Major chords here, brass choir.) For someone who was trying to sing there for so long, I have never seen a production there. Most of what I have heard on the radio from the Met over the past two-three years has been really flawed in some major aspect or another- High School baritones, way over the hill basses, pop-voice tenors, tone deaf sopranos and a chorus that can't count. Thank God for Chicago Lyric. Hopefully this production will be different, Electra is big singing that needs real voices and total musicianship. If they blow it, I will request a refund at the first intermission. As soon as they started miking the produtions, thats when it went downhill.

2002-12-12T08:54:00.000-05:00

I think she's really tired of me. I am positive that she is not really attracted to me anymore. I am not sure why or how this happened, she says I've changed a bit. I don't think very much, maybe some since I have stopped singing. That was a disappointment to her. I have failed at several major things since we started going out. I left my good IT job (it vanished anyway) my business failed, I stopped singing and I declined that teaching position and dropped out of the Quest program. I even failed the Sheriff's test. I guess I don't blame her for the fact that the hot frantic monkeysex aspect of the relationship is gone, and I wouldn't blame her for thinking that she has been saddled with a terminal loser.

HOWEVER, all is most definitely not said and done. Life is long, there are many turns of the wheel in a life. I still feel that there is something cool in store, I am a pretty resourceful dude. I feel a little bit down, but definitely not out. If my life was an old-fashioned 15 round fight, we'd be in roughly round 6 about now, that is about how things stand. I have the best trainers and corner men, I can box and fight, and I am not too tired or hurt much at all. I have 9 rounds left in me and a few surprises to come. The only thing different is that I cannot trade on potential anymore. Nonetheless, let those who wish to give up on me give up. I've always done my own thing, in my own way, in my own time. I want to do what I call a Masterwork, but I don't feel I need to or have to to make my life worthwhile. I am also not obligated to do that, and I am not convinced that the world deserves it anyway. So, in a nutshell, no pressure at all, let's just see how it goes.

2002-12-11T10:48:00.000-05:00

Let me be even clearer about this, and it deserves two posts because it is an idea that needs to be propagated worldwide and shouted daily from the rooftops. The individual owner of a uterus has sole legal jurisdiction over it and eminent domain with regard to it. NOT the state. (I'm going to use lowercase from now on, it is more honest.) Not the federal government. Not the church, definitely not the church and absolutely not the family. Just the owner of the uterus, they get to make all decisions with regard to their uterus and can do with it whatever they want. Just wanted to be absolutely clear about it. Not only that, but a woman has every right and moral obligation to assume that legal authority, enforce it, and defend it by ANY means necessary and available.

2002-12-11T10:39:00.000-05:00

I have recently had some insight in to the entire abortion/pro-choice/Roe v. Wade controversy that may settle it once and for all. The true question here is not moral, it is not about the fetus/child or even personal responsibility. The entire controversy can be reduced to a single point or question, legally interpretable this way: (This deserves a new paragraph)

WHO HAS LEGAL JURISDICTION OVER an INDIVIDUAL's UTERUS and the CONTENTS THEREOF????

Guess what my answer would be, and it is startlingly obvious and eminently supportable. I do this so rarely and it is definitely warranted here, let me go down on electronic record as saying:

THE INDIVIDUAL WHO OWNS THE UTERUS HAS LEGAL JURISDICTION OVER IT AND OVER ITS CONTENTS.

Point, game, set and match. Clear, simple, factual and objective, easily understood and virtually inarguable. If the uterus does not belong to you, you have no legal jurisdiction over it. All women need to do now is assume that legal authority and enforce it. It is your uterus, you can do whatever you want with it and whatever is in it.

2002-12-10T08:17:00.000-05:00

I have been thinking about the Hikkikomori, the kids in Japan who suffer a setback in life and shut themselves up in their room for months or years at a stretch. I think I really understand that. If you think you have something of value to give or trade, its also an angry statement to punish the world by withholding that value, and/or the energy of your existence. It makes a strange sort of sense if you feel undervalued and unappreciated, you just take your bat and glove and go home. There are worse in the world than a voluntary shut-in, on the positive side, they don't commit crime, they don't beat their spouses, they don't cause suffering. Apparently they sit in their rooms playing videogames, reading and downloading porn I'm sure. Things could be worse for them, but the major drawback is that other than email and IM, they are basically alone. I am also sure that there is a middle ground, but I don't blame them one bit. I think if I had enough money I would rarely venture out of the house.

2002-12-09T11:57:00.000-05:00

P.S. I am going to explore the professional student route. As a timesink, school is worthwhile more so than videogaming for example, but the lack of results from it in the past is something that requires careful analysis to prevent additional wasted time.

2002-12-09T11:55:00.000-05:00

I need to find out what it means to enjoy life, to love myself and still yet pursue some carefully chosen, worthwhile goals. I guess this is the task for most people too, so I don't feel alone or unique at all in this endeavor. I know that these are my given conditions:
1) The meaning of life is existence itself for its own sake. Existence is also not justified. If I decide I want to be a waste of flesh, I feel absolutely free to do so.
2) Hard work, ambition and goals must take a part within a larger, rational context and must be viewed with skepticism and are questionable at best. I have seen this paradigm work for others but it has not worked for me.
3) Changing the world is possible, but these battles also must be carefully chosen and planned. The World may not want to be changed, and human nature as different from animal nature is definitely a narrow margin at best, and highly debateable at worst.
Thus, the above would seem to justify a philosophic retreat into Pragmatic subjectivism. Apathy can be a powerful tool for improving the quality of life as far as I am concerned, and used wisely can eliminate a lot of anxiety. To be continued.

2002-12-06T09:07:00.000-05:00

Boy, rereading some of my posts, it looks like a bad attitude festival, but hey, sometimes it goes that way, no regrets.

I have been thinking about my writing, and I have come to the realization that I need to take it somewhat more seriously than the 'quick hit' of NaNoWriMo. I need to give myself more time, and this due to the fact that I want it to be real, firstly, and secondly, I am going to submit the book and try to get repped and published. Thirdly, I have three reasons at least for writing: 1) I want to write what I feel I NEED to express. 2) I want to manifest a vision of what I think is beautiful and/or cool about life already, and 3) I want to point in the direction of what I think could be different or better about life and the Global Economy we live in. So, to recap, there are preservational aspects, personal aspects and visionary aspects that I want to capture that need a larger timeframe than just a month to barf out product. 50K words in a month should be a frame of reference rather than a deadline, it should also be the point at which revision starts for me. Also at that point I can cut material and come up with a lean, faster read that may be like 150 pages but tight as Barbershop quartet harmony. So, f**k Nanowrimo, I'm gonna do it my way.

2002-12-04T08:18:00.000-05:00

Its always interesting to read younger folks Blogs. How important they were, the little bands, the little dramas with friends, the weekend plans and grades. I had few friends in High School & College, I was incredibly focused on music and practiced almost non-stop until the wee hours of the morning. When I lived on campus at Mason, until Elisa I was alone and working part-time. Strangely enough, studying martial arts as well, those were the times I felt really best about myself and my grades were good as well. In High School, I had Geordie, Choir and my girlfriend Shelly, that was it. I didn't have a group of friends to hang with or do things with.

Now it only seems to be about the dogged and unrelenting pursuit of the mighty dollar and spending of same. All that stuff that seemed so important in our youth culture (insert band, TV show, movie, fad of choice here) fades to puerile insignificance, and in retrospect takes on the dead, gray, worthless pallor of radical self-absorption, a refined form of extreme navel-gazing. Sometimes, College Kids try to be politically active, but they have no money and thus are shut off from policy completely. Any Kent State type rallies today, even in large numbers can be safely ignored by the establishment.

Even major news events like the loss of our civil liberties don't seem to distract anyone even slightly from the daily grind, with the exception of 9/11. A brief break for a few tears followed by a furious bout of flag-waving jingoism, then back to consumption. Am I the only one that listens to explanations of why 9/11 happened from the powers that be and understands them to be complete BullShit? They hate Freedom, they hate Israel? What twaddle. I think I'm going to need to go to Law School and start kicking ass around here, I am not sure what else to do.

2002-12-03T08:52:00.000-05:00

I think maybe just once I will tell the truth in a job interview. "Well, I guess I'll do my best to deal with your stupid decisions, this company's near-total lack of organization, laughable business model, its executive's incompetence and dwindling revenues, but rest assured that as soon as I can do better, I'll be out of here so fast it'll make your head spin." Yep, that'll get me hired for sure.

In my last post, there did seem to be a brief ray of hope that there might be a revolution of sorts, one that would break the conditioning we have been subject to from birth and put the current crop of rulers in their place, but the question is will it gain critical mass? I know I personally have some work to do on this myself, but would an initiative like this sink under its own weight, or will it gain momentum and sweep the Nation? It might if it was a single movement, but my idea seems to be made up of several different movements: Green, Vegan, Underground, and Voluntary Simplicity. All this would seem to contrary to an investor position, who builds their portfolio from profit. Will it be a choice between getting paid and having a future? Socially conscious portfolios are notoriously poor performers. There are other problems as well that have not had sufficient attention paid to them, but that'll be the next post.

2002-11-29T09:50:00.000-05:00

I am celebrating buy nothing day. The one day out of the year that we culture jammers want to be Buy Nothing day is the biggest shopping day of the year. The sales, the advertising, they all reach a fever pitch at this time, and the Christmas buying season is the peak time for retailers. Lets slow that train down to a rational speed and get back to what is real.

I am also checking out an intentional community on Dec. 13.

I have the beginnings of a vision. While the economy is being right-sized, why don't we go even further? Lets embrace voluntary simplicity. Dropping Demand= Lower Prices. Why don't we unplug the entire red meat and pork industries? Stop eating that garbage, and eat healthy food like chicken, turkey, fish, and soy. More vegetables and fruit. Then, we buy Hybrids and jam the Big Oil companies that will kill us. Then, we get rid of our televisions and start buying more sheet music and books instead. After that, we all plant gardens in our backyards and community gardens for apartment dwellers. If we all did this much and started voting too, that would be a real revolution. And we should take fewer drugs and stop drinking so much. So, to summarize: up against the wall in this order will be: Consumerism and Retail. BLAM! Next up are the meat, alcohol and pharmaceutical industries. BLAM! Next folks due to be unplugged: Big Oil- BLAM! And history repeats itself unless we take out the Media. BLAM! This is going to be a self-correcting problem. If we don't take these steps, we deserve what we get and we will continue to be enslaved by the system.

2002-11-28T18:34:00.000-05:00

I like the way that the entire world disappears when I am practicing, everything except for my cats and just the room around me no longer exists. Sometimes I am like this orbiting satellite then, sending the music as a signal out back to Earth, really Major Tom like that old song. I guess it feels good to be working on the piano because when I first got back from the hospital it was something I couldn't do for a long time. My preoccupation with it seems to reinforce my sanity, hopefully it sounds good, coordinated, rational, decoding of patterns and transmitting with expression. The very opposite of insanity.

2002-11-27T09:33:00.000-05:00

Nothing in the Gazette for me to apply for. A few things in the Post. I actually would rather just do the jobs I have now, I love them, but I don't make enough. I am a bit preoccupied with this, but with good reason. A colleague of mine from Music School, a Mr. Tim S., once said that you can judge a persons intelligence by how big their circle is. IAW, how much subject ground they cover in what they talk about before they return to the original subject. I need to remember this, and cultivate a nice big circle.That's all I got for now, lame though it is. Today is a good day to catch up in my piano practice. C-ya.

2002-11-26T09:38:00.000-05:00

I will not make the deadline for Nanowrimo, going to have to try again next year. I am still writing though, and I think I will finish the book I started for this year. I just need to discipline myself to not rewrite until the first draft is totally done, else I will be hosed. This one will be a political action thriller, its actually a cross between a few works that are already out there. That wasn' t done intentionally, it just is coming out that way. I will most likely submit it. Art is good, but I need some cashflow, this one will be lighter on the art and heavier on the cashflow. It will be good when I am done, but I will have no problem submitting it to the suits, provided I get paid. The next one will be more arty and less commercial, I also feel about two children's books in me, one is short, the other longer. I will be glad when it is done, but I definitely need more time than a month, so I am going to take it.

2002-11-25T08:26:00.000-05:00

Urgh. Nothing important today. Jobhunting continues. Website still under construction and I want coffee. It's not good for me, it doesn't do me that much good, but it is comfort food. The effects are more psychological than physical.

I am not sure when Our House will start, I am still waiting to hear from my boss. Saw some useful books at Borders on the GED content, but I want to get my bearings and meet with the boys first before preparing. The most important thing is to gain their trust and have them be comfortable with me, we start slow, then we can gradually cycle it up. I am not sure when they will take their test, how much time they have to prepare, but we'll just fix as we go, like always.

Kitties got outside the other night, in the dark, that was an hour and 1/2 of hell. Luckily we found both of them, but I was a hysterical mess. We have implemented strict protocols to keep this from happening again, I am still recovering from that horrible night. Bleagh!

2002-11-23T10:54:00.000-05:00

I definitely feel that I have been conditioned almost from birth to rely on things external to myself for my happiness and even to a large extent identity. It is a difficult thing to shake, herein lies a lot of the attraction of Eastern Religion, probably the ideal solution for this conditioning. I desperately need to resume my T'ai Ch'i and Arica practice.
The remnant of this conditioning is the concept of winners and losers. In some cases, this matter is clear-cut, in others, not so. What does it mean to 'win'? What does it mean to lose? If someone is alive, healthy, with a job, a car, a significant other and a few goals, is this not on the path to winning if not winning already? If someone works a certain type of job, does that make them a loser? What if someone makes good money as say a corporate attorney, but they hate the job and are desperately unhappy? Milton's Devil in Paradise Lost says that the mind can make a heaven of Hell or a Hell out of Heaven. Tibetan Buddhism SEEMS to say (at least to the extent of my reading to date) that all states of being are Bardo (Purgatory) until becoming enlightened and reaching buddhahood. I think the best way to look at it so far is as a purely subjective notion. My father for example, I consider him squarely in the winner category almost beyond question. He has a great job, a great house, a little portfolio, a good marriage and decent health. From my perspective, this seems to be solid winnitude. He seems happy but also holds the notion of something more, perhaps a slight doubt that the realized American dream is all there is. It manifests in his desire to learn to play music. My grandfather was a serious Opera Fan, he liked Pavarotti. There is perhaps something beyond winning and losing, maybe the notion of enjoying life uncontigent upon evaluation. I keep returning to this issue because it doesn't seem quite resolved to me, I don't feel THERE yet, and there might not be a THERE.

2002-11-22T10:43:00.000-05:00

I was wrong. I did cancel the gig and I am glad I did. A disastrous lesson that nearly resulted in an immediate cessation of all piano, and indeed, all musical activities gave rise to new approach. George came through with a brilliant idea which was not new, but just hadn't been fully implemented on my part. I am now restricting myself to a single piece of music. Small sections of the piece at a time, played very slowly with absolute precision several, (like 20) times, gradually increasing the speed, but still staying in the slow range (<63). Then the next little bit. The first image of the piece must be the correct one, then this is ingrained to prevent errors in the future. Hands apart provides the foundation for the hands together bar by bar part which is next. Thank God I've only wasted a reasonably small amount of time. This way seems like it will be slow, but I doubt it. It will be light years past the way I have been doing it, and I think it will pay off as early as February. My first goal is to have one piece which I play with note-perfection, every time I sit down to it. This change will cascade down to my students and I will enforce it vigorously. One who just started with me will benefit tremendously from this approach, and I have a feeling that he will catch and pass the 3 mid-intermediates that I have if he can stick with it. Onward and Upward.

2002-11-21T09:47:00.000-05:00

If I cancel this gig, I will feel worse than if I do it and play badly.

In other news I think that it is about time to shuffle the cards of my life and deal myself a new hand. The Fear is upon me, and I don't know why because things are going well. Every couple of years this seems to happen where I get this irrepressible urge to just change things radically. It may be illusory, because I myself don't seem to change much, that may be whats needed instead of a new car/job/residence/s.o. Until it is me that I change, I think that I will just end up trading the current set of problems for a new batch. Plus, my evening jobs still constitute a great resource that I am unwilling to let go. However, I am getting tired of the job search, my albatross of a car which is still on its last legs but hanging on, and a few other things need to change besides me. This is definitely insight, this is what Blogs are for. I think I will upgrade it.

2002-11-19T10:19:00.000-05:00

It is with some degree of fear and trepidation that I consider my upcoming concert. I have been practicing as much as I possibly can, usually until there is pain in my hands and wrists around the 4 hour mark. If I don't care about it so much, I think I can make it work. Bach is really unforgiving, but if I can stay in the track it might be a decent reading. I have great ambitions as a pianist, but zero illusions about my abilities and no pretentions. That's probably good, it may be a powerful spot from which to operate. I think I can practice it enough to get out of the 'get it over with' mindset and into something a bit more positive. It'll still be okay I am sure.

2002-11-18T08:31:00.000-05:00

My site is in mid redesign and I really need to fix it. I was originally planning to break my boycott of frames, but have reconsidered. I will not backslide. Back to the CSS. In the Good News department, I got an offer from Our House, which is a program that helps troubled boys get themselves together, work, and finish their GED. So, I am employed every evening but Friday, which I need for practice, and I can contribute to the house once again. Plus, my days are still free, but on the downside its still not enough cheddar. I had a great interview with a Navy subcontractor, so I am expecting an offer today or tomorrow, I'll send the trusty follow up email. If I accept that, something in the evening will have to give, at minimum 2 students will need to be rescheduled. More later, I am still pretty busy for an underemployed guy.

2002-11-13T09:05:00.000-05:00

Things are looking up a bit. I think I will get a chance to get farther ahead of my quickest students, all of whom seem to be better off than I was than when I quit, so I am grateful for that and proud. It looks like I will have another interview, I think I will get this one as I have figured out what I am doing wrong. In one interview, I talked myself into a hole. In another, I talked too little and ineffectively. The middle path should do it. I think if I can remove some of the financial stressors from my life, I could get a better grip on things and move quicker toward any worthwhile destiny or future. Although I am thinking that Nanowrimo may not work out for me this year, I still may complete something past the deadline. It is interesting, things bubble around inside of me, but when I coax it it will not come. I think I need to carry my pad & pen with me to jot when the birdie-muse I seem to have drops a load on my head with a small but decisive SPLOTCH!

2002-11-08T07:54:00.000-05:00

I actually don't mind being underemployed. I am actually kind of enjoying it. There are some drawbacks, but the Hobo life kind of has advantages and attractions. Being able to sleep in is nice. Having time to think is nice, having time to Blog is good too. I signed up to do Nanowrimo, that was a mistake I think. I am very far behind in word count. I have a chance to make it, but I might not win this year by making it to 50K words. I am not sure if I've written 50K words in my entire life to this point.
On the other hand, my life of leisure would be ended by any car-related disaster. not having money is a bit stressful, I would like to contribute more to the running of the house. My S.O. hasas been as patient as can be with my growing collection of rejection letters and complete lack of any offers. My portfolio is nonexistent, not only am I not getting closer to retirement, I am nearly retired now. In the event that I am lost, in the event that I have been spit out of the working world and deemed unemployable, I have begun researching ways to maintain my current lifestyle without full-time employment. By my reckoning so far, it is doable, but would require about 6,000 or so in seed money to pull off, which I don't have. Plan B is better, but I don't have the concrete numbers. Being a professional student is possible, and someone of my calibah should be able to do that. Heute Die Welt! Morgens das Sonnensystem!

2002-11-04T08:55:00.000-05:00

I am really noticing this now, I have been able to ignore it to a certain extent, but I need to go on record regarding a particular issue. I just read in Sunday's paper that some lawyer is suing McDonalds for making people fat. The premise of his argument seems to lead back to the idea that people are not responsible for their actions and act only in response to television advertisements.

Here is my counter argument: If a 'person' is not responsible for their own actions, then they are subhuman. Freewill is an essential and unignorable criteria for full-fledged humanity. If a subject is not responsible and cannot control their own actions or choices, then they stand up before everyone and declare themselves to be so in the hope of getting paid, there should be some consequences for that. Namely, they cannot drive. They cannot vote. They should have to wear some type of warning label to notify others that here is a person without control over their actions. They cannot own a firearm, and they have the same exact legal status as children or animals. Irresponsibility also doesn't preclude consequences. If one of these 'people' sticks their finger in a socket, they cannot plead with the current in the wire that they aren't responsible and didn't know any better. As for me, I will still hold people accountable for their actions when I need to. And guess what? I still feel people are responsible anyway. They are responsible for their drinking, their eating and their smoking, their unprotected sex, their upbringing of their children and their conduct in public. It is not McDonalds fault, it is not Seagrams fault, it is not RJ Reynolds fault. It is not Trojans fault either. I think I want to sue the parents of the people who are suing McDonalds for bringing an irresponsible, deficient subhuman into the world and making it a worse place for real human beings. The threat is that if there are enough of these people, they will propagate the idea that humans are animals that can be controlled by phenomena produced by other people. Honestly, I know whereof I speak, smoking killed my Grandmother and it will kill my father unless he quits. He can quit. He is capable of it. He CAN CHOOSE NOT TO SMOKE ANYMORE. Adults are different from children, humans are different from animals, we have almost no instincts. We cannot be controlled by other people, by the media, by the Psychology industry. Ayn Rand, please come back to us somehow.

2002-11-02T10:13:00.000-05:00

I have a hunch that there is only one consciousness, one awareness. This knowledge should be making me a better person, at least happier, at least more effective. Not upset at the sight of roadkill. Not upset by bad things happening in the world in its seemingly inevitable descent into blade-runneresque warfare and chaos.

Here is how it seems to work. We start with just pure consciousness, just a point of awareness like a blank screen, we call it that which perceives, thats all it does until it manifests as a part of the material world. Then we add genetics into the mix. Then experience, desire, instinct, and whatever intelligence was given by the genetics, then birth. At the core, it is still the same raw material, a drop from the same bucket. I cannot prove it, I just need to live this truth. It is not easy, the illusion of separateness is extremely powerful, I wish this idea gave me more peace, but I am still easily shaken and moved by the transient phenomena.

2002-11-01T09:35:00.000-05:00

It looks like I am headed to the strange economic state of producing, hopefully, just what I consume, and taxes. Is this anti-social? Anti-capitalist? Anti-social? Maybe I should think of myself as a closed-ended system in terms of finance. I have been thinking a lot lately about my Uncle, who is basically a wage slave, caught up in the retail job where they just use him up, 60-80 hour weeks for 25K per year. They told him if he doesn't like it, he can walk. He's been working retail for his entire career, must be close to 30 years, and still is living hand to mouth. There's got to be a better way. I think the thing that screwed him up was, honestly, though it sounds bad, it was having kids. Once you do that, the system has you and you are its bitch.

Hmm, 25K per year /2000 hours is @12.50, OK if you are 9-5. at 3000 hours its @8.00 and 4000 is definitely 6 per hour. If you have kids and mortgage, a wife who doesn't make much either, then you cannot walk unless you have another position. If you are there every day 12 hours, how can you interview. If you can't get out until close, how can you take classes to get a better job? If your bills eat up all the money, you cannot save for any extended periods of unemployment. Thus, wage slavery. The kids are gone, so he has a little bit of wiggle room there, his wife's job is good although it is not large money. Any solution is going to have to come from there, she gets out in time to take classes if she wanted to. Problem: tuition money. There has got to be a better way than to live like that- but how can he get out? All his sick time will have to be used up applying elsewhere, he will need to go into bookeeping/accounting/tax prep, etc. and get an accounting/AA job. That's the only way I can see. Being in the military would be better than working retail. How can we resolve this problem from the consumer side? A blacklist based on labor practices? That won't work one reason why: Nike. Shit, this is a tough one.

2002-10-31T08:24:00.000-05:00

The interview went pretty well last night. I think it will work out fairly well, the kids are not violent, they had to apply to the program, its mostly just dropouts, vandalism, petty theft I am sure, drug posssession, underage drinking, etc. I think I can help them, I'll find out within the week if I am hired. It may be a bit rough sledding in the beginning, but I'll come up to speed.

I guess I am post-dream, even though my colleagues tell me I will still have a chance to sing (being a Wagnerian Bass-Baritone). I don't know. It isn't rewarding anymore, and now I just sort of survive, the jobs are held at arms length and nothing really matters a lot. I am not trying to have a pity-party, its just the strange new feeling of not being so driven, not really focused on a goal, except for piano. Piano is OK, but I am not 'In the running' the way I was with singing. I have no pretentions about the piano, but I do improve daily and in a few years should be able to do substantial repertoire and at least one student will most likely be at Peabody. So, signs of life there, but elsewhere, the freedom of the blank page. I am still saving up money and applying for dayjobs, gradschool, etc., but I just want to enjoy my life. I think as time goes on, I may develop more 'big-project' goals, but nothing like that is on the immediate horizon. It is kind of an existential limbo, and it takes some effort not to do something extreme to my life such as relocation. I would just bring my problems with me, they don't disappear at state lines. It not entirely unpleasant, as the British might say, this limbo state. I feel like Kwai Ch'an Caine in the Kung Fu Tv series, kind of wandering. I mentioned to my friend the other day that it felt a little lost, but not scared little kid lost. It's like a day with no appointments, nice weather, you're just driving in your car, you aren't hungry and you are within say 50 miles of home, with money, but you are not sure where you are. You suspect you made a wrong turn, but you are still in suburbia. I have gas, maybe I will find my way home someday and feel like less of a guest on Earth. Nanoo, nanoo.

2002-10-30T14:08:00.000-05:00

Tonight I have an interview for a part-time job teaching troubled kids to pass the GED. It should be interesting, a good challenge and 50 bucks for 3 hours a week. It seems like my church job and may lead to bigger and better things. I am interested in the GED as a finite, discrete body of information meant to encapsulate what you should know by the time you graduate from high school. For many of us, all that information is less than a third of what we know, and some of us had mastered that by 7th grade or so. How do I convey this information effectively, interestingly, and point them towards bigger and better things? How much time do we have before the test is taken? Can I give a sample test as a diagnostic? What kind of problems do this kids have? PDD? ADD/HDD? Anyway, I am certain that I will be earning that money. I prepared for this interview and should smack it out of the park. I hate it when the job market is tight enough that I have to prepare for the interview in depth. Good luck to me, I can use that cash.

2002-10-29T09:41:00.000-05:00

Nothing much going on today. A lot of times, I find myself thinking about something deep, at the boundaries of language, and I cannot really articulate it. It is almost unconscious intuition and fairly benign, it seems to be mostly a sort of meta-observation, as if I was aware of my awareness. Eastern philosophy sems to call this a 'witness' consciousness and it should be cultivated, there is not a lot of opportunity to do that as I am usually directing my consciousness toward solving some problem or another.

Yesterday I got a book from the Secretariat of the Rolex awards, which is an international competition for grants in the amount of 100,000 dollars. I submitted a project proposal last year, I didn't win, but it was worth a try. The book sent to me described the projects that won, I was humbled and impressed at the Genius of Man and the brilliant ideas contained therein. Most had to do with environmental conservation. One gentleman had developed a system to alert ships to the presence of whales. Another had come up with an idea to provide cheap lighting for 3rd-world villages who have no electricity. That was brilliant, and was the most impressive project. I am filled with hope for mankind, and if I submit again, my project will be much better than the last one I sent. BTW, I was proud of myself for participating. The bars are full of folks who run their mouths about what they are going to do and how much talent they have, etc., but they never actually do anything or put themselves to the test. I just have to say that even being an also-ran is better than being a no-ran. Especially if you keep trying. I have no choice, I cannot give up and must keep going, activity is solace, motion is life.

2002-10-23T08:13:00.000-04:00

I have discovered that when I am creating some piece of art, there is a threshold that must be surpassed in order to continue to completion. This is bad. It is too easy to condemn a work in its early stages and discard it, with the promise to start again later. This promise is not fulfilled, or if it is, then that work is usually thrown out too. It is too easy to forget that even if I produce a crappy piece of art, who is to say that the next one won't be great, or even good? I can always make another. Let me say it again, 'cause it feels good: I can always make another. No caps this time, just quiet conviction of the surest truth. My new law is that any work produced is better than no work, even if it sucks. Thus, I must give myself the freedom to be bad. This is the only way to unstick. OK then, lookout world, here comes some art, and it might just be bad. I think I might even create some crappy things on purpose. Good thing paper is recyclable.....

2002-10-22T08:48:00.000-04:00

I have been reading a bit of the Homeless Guy's blog, being generally about 2 checks away from that condition myself, I feel that I can understand. I think that what pisses people off about the homeless is that they seem to be wanting everything handed to them. To some, it appears that they have an attitude of entitlement, that they shouldn't have to work or something. As I can barely remember when I had the luxury of having only one job, it is hard for me to be generous after a day of working. I don't have enough to pay the things I need to pay for to keep this whole charade moving, most of my work barely pays enough to sustain doing it. I am sorry that I can't pay someone else's way, when all they do is sit around with their hand out like I owe them for something, waiting for someone else to solve their problems. The other day I gave 'The Homeless Guy' information about possible work, I got no reply. Can I generalize from this that homeless people don't have a work ethic, that they are not interested in making an effort? I don't know. Part of the problem is that you need a home to support having a job that pays, it would be challenging to maintain work without having a crashpad. On the other hand, a friend of mine became homeless once, I spotted him a months rent in January, that seemed to do the trick. He has a family, home and good job now. I wonder if there was a program out there that said OK- things went bad, lets see if you can fix it. Here is 4 months rent/utilities/food/phone, an old car that runs, a suit and the want ads. If we supplement that with some form of job training and counseling/detox/etc., that might do the trick. If it didn't work, would that be sufficient grounds to give up? Would most of them still spend their days begging and/or drinking? All my friend needed was a month, if I had spotted him 4, he'd probably be a CEO by now. I guess it just varies from individual to individual, I won't make any blanket judgments. As a matter of fact, I'd be willing to try it as an experiment and document it. It would probably cost about 12K to do it per person, not counting the counseling/training.

2002-10-21T15:13:00.000-04:00

Two posts in one day, a new record for me. Things are looking up a little, there was lots of stuff to answer in the employment section for me. Folks are desperate for HVAC techs and trainees apparently. That's got to beat being a receptionist, plus I used to test those guys so I know that ain't rocket science.

I sold my CD collection, hadn't listened to any of it in years except a bare handful. Got a good, fair price for them too. Having converted over entirely to classical, eXtreme piano, I find my old rock n roll too simple and too static for a number of reasons. There is a reason why most great pop/rock songs are under 4 minutes, there's only so much of three chords that one can take without getting bored. I'm like at least change keys please! Secondary dominant, anyone? Even my experimental stuff went, the Primus and Rammstein, the NIN and Ministry, Styx also. I'll miss them a little, but I discovered that the main attraction to my collection was just having it, my taste was closely associated with my identity. It seems to be the same kind of impulse that leads one to root for a particular sports team. It's like, yeah, I like this or that band, so are you gonna kiss me or what? This seems a little old hat to me, Im a lot more than which bands I liked. Now I 'll have more room for Vaughan Williams, Copeland, Holst, and my other artistic 'parents' and inspirations. I guess I just think more like Beethoven than Bruce Dickinson, though each have their merits.

2002-10-21T10:27:00.000-04:00

Work issues today. I don't have a lot of fight left in me. I am really really tired and sick of everything. I 'm tired of trying to make money, I am tired of worrying about my ancient car, I am tired of worrying about my lack of insurance, I am tired of waiting for the agent to call with work. I am so pissed that I spent all that money on tools, thinking that they had work for me, then not to get a call. I wish people would be honest, and say when they have work that they actually have work.

When I look at things objectively, I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it is far away, at least 5 years if I can make it that far. I am probably two years away from anything remotely resembling financial stability, what a relief it would be to not have to worry and think about that every facking day. I don't know if I am going to make it, right now it looks as if I will not. At this point, I am actually OK with that too, because I've basically had enough of everything.

2002-10-19T15:56:00.000-04:00

I think it happens that couples oscillate, sometimes drawing apart from each other, sometimes coming together closer. I need to think of it like a dance. Sometimes we need some space, sometimes we get even closer. Dancing. That is it. I think I (and my generation as well) can be very judgmental and quick to make decisions. This is not always a good thing. Patience is of the essence, only the cool heads will prevail.

2002-10-17T10:44:00.000-04:00

Taking a break from my insurrectionist paranoia, now for something completely different.

Is it inevitable that couples go through a phase where they lose interest in each other? After a few years, do women start to crave new skin or what? Actually, I am fairly sure that men are less faithful than women, but it is definitely easier for women to be unfaithful as they are generally the chasees as opposed to the chasers.

Is it me I wonder? Maybe I am not the person she thought I was. I know that I have not been much of a success in the world, maybe she is disappointed that I didn't turn out to be another Samuel Ramey. I got back under 200 lbs., but that didn't seem to help. I got a new dayjob, that didn't help. Maybe its her and she doesn't feel attractive, tired from the job, tired of waiting for me to get it together. I don't think she wants someone else, but she doesn't want to be alone either. I've been a bit negative lately, struggling with problems, maybe that is bringing her down. I don't feel attractive either, most of the time I just feel angry at the world. It's hard to let that go. Either way, its not a lot different than being alone right now, and I do have enough experience to handle that.

2002-10-15T08:53:00.000-04:00

There is a bright side to the recent sniper attacks in the MD-VA region. The snipers continued evasion of authorities bodes well for any future resistance forces who would want to fight off an overly-intrusive, post-constitutional, Orwellian federal government. If one guy has been able to remain at large after killing 10, a division, or society of snipers would be able to do significant damage to even the overwheming force our government can deploy. Should our friendly neighborhood Feds overreach their authority, or should we withdraw consent, they should take heed of recent events. They would also have no way of knowing who is with them and who is not.......

2002-10-11T14:30:00.000-04:00

For the most part, except for a very tiny, select, elite, very special part of it, Fuck the World.

2002-10-09T09:15:00.000-04:00

Instead of 'do your best' as a credo, try 'Select the things that are important to you, and work hard at them. In the rest of your life, just do.'

-----------Dr. Wayne Dyer, "Your Erroneous Zones"

This book has the key to living the good life. I would call it the handbook of Pragmatic Hedonism. We mix this with a bit of Objectivism and some Albert Ellis, and its just about ready. As far as spirituality is concerned, I strongly believe that it should be a private thing. It should be left to the individual to figure out and is a different discipline than philosophy. More later.

2002-10-07T09:53:00.000-04:00

So- Pragmatic Hedonism is simple. We want to enjoy even the act of being aware, of being conscious, so we need minimal clutter upstairs. This philosophy will be short, direct, pithy, a lot like Zen rather than anything longwinded. We will borrow extensively from the best of other philosophies where there is a working, useful principle.
1. A lie robs us of the power to change a truth that is bad. A Pragmatic Hedonist wants the most pleasure out of life, any inaccurate schema may interfere with that, a lie may decrease pleasure or keep us from obtaining pleasure, therefore it behooves us to be accurate with our facts at all times. Pragmatic Hedonists also assume responsibility for their actions because we are human beings and not animals.
2. Existence is not justified. It either manifests or does not manifest. Goals are set and striven for in the event that such activity gives pleasure. There is more to life than being comfortable, and pain can sometimes magnify pleasure, but this is left up to the individual to decide.
3. The individual will determine their own destiny economically, spiritually, mentally and physically. Government is by the consent of the governed, and such consent may be rescinded at any time. Government must interfere with the individual as little as possible, and should not have the power to take life in punishment, because this implies infallibility.
4. The Pragmatic Hedonists assume that other individuals desire pleasure above pain, and thus must act with compassion, courtesy and understanding. This practice will allow us to begin to transcend the ego and its limitations, leading to greater pleasure. Thus we avoid inflicting pain on others with the sole exception of self-defense. Pragmatic Hedonists will only wage war in the event that their country is attacked directly from the air, in the event of a ground invasion or offshore bombardment. Any current military wishing to embrace this philosophy may be considered 'on probation' and must muster out at the end of their current enlistment, or must retire within the year. War and the waging thereof is the opposite of hedonism and is never pragmatic.
5. Pragmatic Hedonists do not go in for insignia, symbology, dogma or ritual. For the most part, P.H. will be what the individual practitioner makes of it. Buttons or license plate frames saying "I'm a Pragmatic Hedonist, ask me how" are especially frowned upon. This is not a vehicle for people to think that they are better than anyone else or more enlightened. Pragmatic Hedonists will be known by their actions, and you become officially P.H. if you overhear people mentioning what a nice person you are. We don't need no stinkin' badges.
More about this later.

2002-10-03T10:14:00.000-04:00

OK enough about politics. Somehow, I don't feel really driven to fix things, to change the world, to do something 'monumental'. Everything driven by ego is doomed to failure. I have been thinking about this a lot, and I have decided that what I really want to do is just enjoy life. Call it pragmatic hedonism. I'm not giving up on anything, nor am I adopting a 'Party 24-7' type of strategy. I want to enjoy being alive. I want to enjoy my work, money, music, etc. I want to wake up in the morning and say: It is good to be alive. I have a feeling that I keep coming back around to this idea in my mind, but not really feeling closer to attaining it. Even if I want to fight, I have to enjoy the fight, the act of doing things that make up a fight. In an interview the other day, the principals of the firm asked me if had been trying to get back into I.T., and my answer surprised me, I told them no, I had been just 'Wandering Around' until I found Playtime Piano. I think Pragmatic Hedonism may need a manifesto.

2002-10-02T10:46:00.000-04:00

*Deep Breath* Good, I didn't break my caps lock button. My website is due for another redesign.

Another example of what I am talking about is Conservation. Nobody cares what broke people think about what should be done with land. Anything not backed up with (lawyers, guns, money) doesn't change anything. If people are worked up about overdevelopment, put money together and buy land. Designate it as historic or watershed or conservation or whatever to lessen the tax burden, and there you are. Problem solved courtesy of Presidential Portraiture. If people are worked up about some manufacturer pumping toxins into the local pond, put some evidence together, get some cash, hire a LAWYER like Erin Brockovich. Corporations and Politicians only get away with their bullshit because people take it. If we sit back, we deserve what we get. We have to BEAT THEM AT THEIR OWN GAME, the time of marching around with signs and chanting is over with and done. All publicity is ephemera, people see it for 5 seconds on the evening news and then its GONE. I don't even watch the news anymore, don't read the paper except on Sunday. Let's FOCUS, people. Make some money, go to law school, organize and run for office. preferably all of the above. And vote Spear Lancaster for Governor of Maryland, thanks I appreciate it.

And by the way, all you folks upset about the world bank/imf need to prioritize. Underdeveloped countries are damn lucky anyone is trying to help them at all. I know that some folks have been dealt a crappy hand and everything is interconnected, etc., but folks also need to do something for themselves and not rely on others to fix their problems so much. There is only so much babysitting one country can do. Ranting done for now.

2002-09-29T15:52:00.000-04:00

Ya know, on the Blogger front page I saw a link to Scaryduck.blogspot, advertising it as the 'The Best British Weblog' and that had to be one othe the top 10 dumbest things I've ever seen in my life. Not the 'blog, but the idea that Blogging is competitive. Let me take a second and mention that all Blogs are basically ephemera, they are electronic diaries. Blogging is a journaling tool that helps you express yourself, explore consciousness, and try to make more sense out of life. Thus, my humble 'Dirigible serves its purpose rather well, and I am not particularly concerned about my readership stats. As a matter of fact, a lot of things in here may not be pretty and may even change my friend's opinions about me. Lets put it this way, my parents don't know this is out here, they don't know the address. Fer Dog's sake, my Mom worries enough, if she read half this stuff she might be freaked. OK, now here is something else pretty dumb I saw in the Wash Post today. One of the the World Bank protesters with a hand over their mouth being confronted by the DC Gestapo police force. When I was in college, that could've been me. If I had back all the time I've spent in stupid, futile protest, I'd use it for something productive. The only time protest has ever been effective, seems to be about 2 instances: 1) civil rights marching in the 60's. 2) Indian protest of British rule. My point is that marching around waving signs and chanting does nothing these days. Any change requires the application or diversion of substantial amounts of CASH. Seriously, cold, hard cash. Let me say it again in case anyone missed it. MONEY TALKS, SUCKERS WALK. Change can also come in the form of diverting cash away from a target, such as a boycott. Another example I can think of is that silly man that carries a sign in front of some Catholic establishment raving about pedophile priests. The next time I see him, I'm going to get out and talk to him. He needs a LAWYER and they need to serve some papers. More about this next post.

2002-09-26T12:14:00.000-04:00

It's still working. All is void.

I have a feeling that a corner has been turned in my life, but I can see the next one coming up. Truly, have I gone round the bend? If so, it is very, very good. The next corner has something to do with how a lot of the great composers got ripped by the critics when they first came out. Now, nobody remembers these critics, they are just barely a footnote, their names are gone completely, but Tchaikovsky and Rachmaninoff are everywhere, on the concert stage every season, on the music stands, invincible and immortal. It may seem like I belabor the obvious, but there is something that I am tracking down, I already know it inside but haven't quite articulated it, like it is on one side of my brain, but not yet crossed over. Something to do with with significance, how that idea is both subjective and objective.
Our individual consciousness manifesting as Atman is inexorably drawn to consciouness as Brahman. Atman seems to be the localized version of Brahman, like for example: I once had on my wall a map of the known universe as a star-chart, courtesy of National Geographic. That was like Brahman. In my car is a map of Montgomery County. That is like Atman. Hmm, I'm definitely on the right track. Consciousness or something seems to set up barriers between Atman and Brahman, filters, cause we can't handle it when we see it all at once. The trick is to retain the integrity of Atman's perceptual grid and intelligence while setting the filters aside. Anyone reading this, don't be worried, I'm on the right track, don't lock me up again, 'cause everything is cool. I've never felt better, but it shouldn't be so hard to get here. Free at last, hopefully I can get it to stick this time.

2002-09-25T10:03:00.000-04:00

This whole beginner-mind thing is working really well for me. Especially in this day and age, where we all are relentlessly bombarded with commercial messages on an almost continuous basis, the data smog is awfully thick. I am so letting go of everything that I will soon be at the point where it will seem that I was just born everytime I wake up in the morning. I feel an astonishing degree of freedom begining to kick in, a sort of renaissance happening in my life. I feel very objective, non-judgmental and slightly detached. All options are open to me, I can deal with what is without distraction, preconceived notions, or the burdens of the past. I feel really in the here and now, hopefully I can keep it going. I am over myself and it feels great.

2002-09-23T11:06:00.000-04:00

Wow. Things really look different to me when I've had enough sleep. We used to have a saying at Westminster when incoming folks discovered that other people in the world have talent too: "Get over yourself." Far from being cruel, this was meant to be construed as an invitation to a higher level of awareness. Taken properly, this bit of semantic medicine should remove pressure from the patient and allow them to focus on 'the work'.
I believe it is time for me to let go of a lot of garbage that I thought I had let go of already. The world is not evil. God does not necessarily love suffering. People are not evil. It is too simple, too easy to condemn and reject. My task this week is to cultivate non-judgement and equanimity, wandering the world like Quai-ch'an kang in Kung Fu. Things that are truly eternal will remain eternal.
Thus, I will free myself to enjoy my upper middle class suburban existence, gradually becoming my parents. If I do something memorable, so be it. If I don't, so be it. Existence is not justified, it just is or isn't. Beginner mind, mu-shien is where it is at. Om mani padme hum.

2002-09-11T12:14:00.000-04:00

Most days, especially today, I want the world to just shrivel up and blow away with all its filth, stupidity, dehumanizing systems, brutality and environmental depredation. I feel like I am strapped to the wheel of the world, weighted down. I don't know why. It gets worse every day. I know in my mind that the world is not so bad. I just took a walk the other day, it was OK. People were decent, the sun was shining, there seemed to be some semblance of order. No explosions, no screams, no crashes, just a few red-light running folks. Kids were playing at recess.
Still, I wanted no part of it. None of it meant anything to me, I just want to turn my back and go away. I could be perfectly happy to never set foot outside this house again. I mean it, like permanently. It takes enormous effort for me to even get out of bed. I just don't want to deal anymore. I have the strength, just not the desire. My heart is not in it anymore. If the opportunities I have been pursuing come through, that'll be OK. I'll make it on time and get through the training, but it will be very difficult to prepare. I am certain that as soon as I have the resources, I will become a renunciate and remove myself from the world, basically becoming a shut-in. I knew someone who did that, but she eventually came out. I'll try to dwell on the positive, but it seems as if I am going under, pulled by some vast mental undertow of inertia. I don't feel like hurting myself or anyone else, I just don't want to do anything. Maybe it is a combination of depression, laziness, anger, frustration and whatever other issues I seem to be having lately. Not that it matters anyway, people are making more fresh meat for the system even as I write.

2002-09-08T16:16:00.000-04:00

I have been thinking about the way that I grew up, the things that I loved, the things that I was impressed by. It seems that everyone at a certain point in time, under 20 years old, including myself and several friends, were taught to think that they were special. We were smarter, more talented, destined for fame, achievement, immortality, whatever as artists, writers, engineers, scientists, musicians, what have you, etc.. Or at least we could take it for granted that we would succeed, at the barest minimum make a fortune and retire by 35. Then, WHAM, the real world after college of paying bills, auditions, competitions. Surprise! There is a lot of talent out there. There are homeless Mensa, I guess you can put potential in one hand and shit in your other hand, tell me which fills up first. MAYBE part of growing up is realizing this, that there are people waiting tables who sing like Pavarotti, there are people working at Wal-Mart who have unpublished novels maybe as good as Delillo or Pynchon. What a country. There are folks delivering packages for UPS right now who we may see in the Olympics. I don't feel so special anymore, but maybe that is a good thing. The world's attitude towards us (all potential wunderkind, not just my Northern Virginia magnet school brethren/sistern) seems to has gone from "Hey look at these potential wunderkind who may save the world,"
to: "Well? Where's the beef? Where is that great American novel? Where is that Starry night painting? Where is that Grammy winning album?" The answer is ......I don't know. I've been a bit distracted, personally. No excuses, but I could point a few fingers myself (at least one finger comes to mind), and I cannot say that I didn't expect different results from my efforts to date. Speaking for the cohort, maybe I could say that our potential novelist killed himself about 4 years ago. Too bad, so sad. Maybe our Starry night painter is now institutionalized and medicated into drooling idiocy, like perhaps thousands of teenagers who have correctly discerned the nature of our ratrace system. Maybe our potential Grammy winner is pushing a shopping cart around under the E street expressway, muttering imprecations against his or her personal demons. For every Andre Watts, there is a Helfgott. Maybe we've all just given up. Maybe our potential cancer-killer scientist has just settled for some cushy government desk at the USDA, a little townhouse in the suburbs, the Accord, the cute wife and don't forget the retriever. One kid, another on the way, his grant requests kept getting turned down. Nothing wrong with suburbotopia, it looks better and more respectable with each passing year. Or maybe we haven't given up. Maybe we are still cooking. Maybe there is a rough draft of that Novel, studies of that painting, experiments in progress in the lab. Sketches for that Symphony 1 that smokes your ears off. Maybe, like Tolkiens Lord of the Rings, the next Finnegans Wake is sitting in someone's slush pile of unsolicited manuscripts. Maybe someone's Grammy-winning session masters fell behind some suits' desk. Or, on a negative note, maybe we weren't as Wunderkind as folks thought. Maybe the Novel is done, but sitting unsubmitted on a shelf in the storeroom or closet. Maybe some of us have decided that our work is Pearls Before Swine. Maybe there isn't any work at all. No novel, no vaccine, no sketches, maybe just reams of paper reading "All work and no Play makes Jack a dull boy!" But not to worry, the next Wunderkind, the next flavor of the month will be along soon. The suits are ready and waiting to milk that cash cow and discard them like a dirty diaper as soon as sales taper. Only time will tell, don't forget that Verdi wrote Falstaff when he was 80.

2002-09-07T18:16:00.000-04:00

Bought some more time on the car by replacing the oil pan. Might be able to squeeze another 50-80K out of it.
Today I went to take the test to become a deputy sheriff in Arlington, Virginia. It was interesting, not a bad way to spend a Saturday morning for an underemployed dude. I think I can do it, but it would just be a job to me, maybe not a career. Everything else I have either failed, bailed out of, or doesn't make enough money in spite of the fact that I enjoy it. DS makes good money, full benefits and a strange schedule that comes out to be 15 12 hour days per month, the rest off. That does appeal to me, because then if it turns out to be bad, I have enough time to figure a way out of it. I have a strange feeling that it will work out. I think I did really well on the test, I'll find out in about 3 weeks. The Academy is in Loudon, so that will be a pain in the arse. More adventures.........

2002-09-05T12:55:00.000-04:00

Problems, nothing but problems this week. What I would like to do is just shut down completely- there is a scene in Immortal Beloved where Beethoven is lying in the street semiconscious in his own urine. Some kids come along and start kicking him around, the master rouses himself enough to chase them off. This does seem Hollywoodized, but I understand how he felt. I don't think I'll ever be able to write music as well, but I wouldn't have peed myself. Usually, when I feel this way, only one solution appears, even though it is bad for me.......COFFEE!!! The trusty 7-11 will have to do, off I go then- my car in its death throes, trailing white smoke all the way. I just have to laugh.

2002-09-02T19:18:00.000-04:00

On an even more optimistic note, I have had a progressive career trajectory, it just has been nonlinear at times, and progress has not always been forward. In the big picture, I went as follows from roughly 1989 forward:

Dishwasher
Armed Security Guard
Bartender
Temp- administrative.
Permanent- Administrative
Permanent- Technical

Here is where things get a bit spotty- due to premature attempts to be self employed and scheduling issues. But- the above odyssey takes me up to the year 2000. So I can say that things were reasonably OK at that point- I was a homeowner, I was making money, the job was stressful but the people were great. If worse comes to worst, I can return to that condition, but with some investment in retraining. If I continue on my self employment trajectory, I can make it, but the payoff will be at least 2-3 years to come possibly longer. The question would be can I survive until I can hang out my own shingle? If I work part-time, I can do it. If I return to work full-time, that will be extremely dangerous, like a worker on the Underground railroad going back to sharecropping to earn some capital.
Hmmm.....let us see what adventures this week brings.

2002-08-30T14:04:00.000-04:00

On a slightly more positive note, things may not be so bad. I do have a job that I like, I just don't make enough money at it yet. My health is pretty good. The only thing putting pressure on me is my car. I managed to put some stop leak in it to buy myself some more time, but this car is surely at the end of it's life. Its been over 6 years and 150,000 miles, so I am pleased.

There has got to be a decent part-time dayjob out there that will at least treat me like a human being. If there is, I will find it. If not, that is OK too. I am still eating, still paying car insurance and still making a few other payments. Honestly, I'd rather just practice all day, but this cannot be and still live in this house. Hopefully with a little luck, I won't have to go full-time work.

I looked back at the times when I have succeeded at something to determine common elements that I could draw on, and sure enough, I hit paydirt. In all the times I have had success, 3 significant elements were present without fail. 1. I worked hard, for a long time, with research and attention to detail. 2. I had a mentor, teacher, or coach. 3. I caught a few lucky breaks. Note: element 1 does not guarantee success, but its absence guarantees failure. Element 2 determines the speed of improvement and helps me avoid common pitfalls. Element 3 determines the scale of the success and is not controllable, except to the extent that available opportunities are a) found, and b) taken advantage of. I am thinking specifically about auditions, but the same applies to any training-type activity, conference, tradeshow, employment fair, etc. I have also thought of a few additional elements, but my post runneth over and is boring enough as is. In other good news, I will set up an audition for Music & Arts center as a piano teacher there, hopefully I will book my Saturdays- YAY!! Estuans Interius, ira vehementi.....

2002-08-20T09:53:00.000-04:00

Urgh. All of the puissant wisdom that was just in my head has vanished. Lots of things lately that I have failed at, sometimes I think that I should make failure my middle name, I have failed at almost everything I've tried to do. I wish that I could take back all of my wasted energy and effort and put it toward something productive, the past 8 years seem like a complete and total waste, nothing to show for them except a really crappy resume.

The only reason why I don't take my life is that it would seem to upset a few other people. Even that is a lousy claim to fame, to say I at least spared those who care a little bit of grief. It's not like its failure on their part.

On the other hand, if everyone won, if everyone was successful, what fun would that be? Maybe some of us are put here to make others feel good by comparison. Hey, look at that broke dude, can't hold a dayjob, totally dependent on his fiancee, and doesn't even play piano that well. Plus, the middle-age spread is making itself evident. Well, at least I can help other people feel lucky.....I suppose it could be worse.

No excuses, no apologies, but any light at the end of this tunnel seems VERY far away. Maybe I am wired wrong, when I look at the past I see that I have had problems ever since I was little. I can't quite clearly define it, but it seems to be several small things that would not be significant singly, but altogether they create problems. I am not sure what to do about it, I don't even know where to start. I don't like myself much right now, and I don't like the world or life too much either. And, if I see another one of those dumb-ass 'God is in control' bumperstickers, I might go postal.

2002-07-19T10:16:00.000-04:00

The days seem taken up by routine and endless errands. There's gotta be a better way.

Purpose for me seems to lie in the doing of some large project, like the marathon was, the Met Regionals. But after a few of those, all that happens afterward is looking for the next quest, the 'Next Big Thing' for me to do. Have I taught myself to be a monkey, trying to find an elusive banana in someone's Kafkaesque laboratory?

Strangely enough, I don't have that much admiration for the musical, the athletic. The folks who really impress me are Doctors. Watching someone set a broken arm, that impresses the hell out of me. The corner doctor stitching up the result of some kid's backyard misadventure, that is something, significance in healing. As great as I believe them to be, I never had any thoughts of med school. If I did, I wouldn't want to do it for someone else to be impressed. There has to be something much deeper, that desire to heal and eliminate suffering. Lately I have been helping to treat a neighbor's cat, administering medicine. That would've been cool, if I had to do it over again maybe I'd be a veterinarian. Of course, I would've had to actually study.
Piano is good, the series of little milestones are lots of fun and satisfying, but it'll be a long time before there is a big bang, an audition, a jury, a competition. Its exponentially more competitive than voice, but I feel absolutely no pressure whatsoever. Hmm....
I have to say altogether that life is for me now is neither great, nor is it bad. I think I have attained normality, the moderate middle, the average. Is it the American ethos that average is despicable and insignificant? I disagree with that sentiment. We need a new Zeitgeist to replace that idea. "Getting by is okay!" How about that one? I like it better than 'average sucks'.

2002-05-17T17:27:00.000-04:00

Yes, that is it. I think I found it. This is it, every moment is THE moment, worthy of full and complete attention. No more whistling while I pee.

2002-05-17T17:21:00.000-04:00

Yet another God post here, thinking about spiritual issues. I guess that I don't have time to really beef too much about Christians, the evangelical type, that is. I was listening to a story on the radio about a campus preacher, thinking about the time I saw one on my campus at George Mason. Lots of thoughts and feelings come to mind, leading me to a surprising conclusion. I may have reached the point where I seek to unburden myself of belief. I may have come to the point where it is best for me to shed the conditioning, the mental burden of belief and just believe nothing. The more I think about it, the more I want nothing between me and my experience. I want the experience of mu-shien, the empty, beginner mind. The only thing I want to deal with is immediate, concrete reality. This may be the way through, free of constructs, free of schema, free of preconcieved judgements and blocked energy. However, this does not mean passivity. Rather the opposite. I will seek to return to the pure consciousness I once had as a martial artist, objective, clean, poised and ready for anything, fearless. When I studied, I always knew what to do, what to say, and I was relaxed. I was enjoying life as a result of my practice. I was so happy then and totally, utterly free, free to be human. Yes, I have decided, let this be. Through mu-shien, I return to the wu-wei, the original uncarved block. Freedom awaits, no explanations, no apologies, no excuses, no hesitation and no mercy.